We were thinking about civility recently while working with a leadership team. We were analyzing communication habits when one leader burst out,
“I just wish people would stop replying to emails with ‘TL;DR.’ It feels so rude!”
[For the record, we agree. Responding with TL;DR—“too long; didn’t read”—to a colleague’s email is rude and dismissive.]
Incivility is on the rise
Even if your team seems polite on the surface, incivility is creeping into workplaces everywhere. According to SHRM, 66% of employees report experiencing incivility in the past month, and 57% have seen it in just the last week.
The slights may seem small, but the consequences are huge. A large HBR study examined what factors most affect employees’ wellbeing, trust, satisfaction, focus, and sense of purpose. Surprisingly, it wasn’t recognition, feedback, or learning opportunities—it was respect. Simply feeling seen, heard, and valued makes the biggest difference.
So what can you do?
Fixing workplace incivility can feel overwhelming, especially if you’re one person trying to care for your culture while managing your own to-do list. We get it. At Choose People, sometimes we work with teams for just a couple of hours. In those sessions, we don’t control their workplace, policies, leadership, or goals—and we often don’t even know them.
Yet we can still help. And so can you—one small action at a time.
How? A little math makes a big difference.
The “math” comes from John and Julie Gottman, Ph.D.s, who studied couples in relationships and could predict with over 90% accuracy which ones would last. Their insight? Thriving relationships—and thriving teams—don’t require perfection. They require outweighing negative interactions with positive ones.
The ratio they recommend: 20 positive interactions for every 1 negative interaction.
Sounds impossible? Not when you think small.
Small positive interactions that tip the scales:
- A genuine smile.
- A small, specific compliment (“Good point!”), a thank you, or asking their opinion.
- A groan-worthy joke, shared laugh, or yes—even a funny cat video.
- Nodding, empathizing, or validating someone’s perspective (“That makes sense”).
- Showing you’re listening: eye contact, paraphrasing, asking questions, or putting your phone away.
- Adding a fun element to the environment: a pun poster, upbeat song, or small team ritual.
- Being curious about them as a person: hobbies, hometown, pets, family.
- Pointing out something you have in common—even the color of your shirt or shared commute. Research shows simple commonalities strengthen connection.
Each small action builds connection and tips the scales toward positive. In groups—through icebreakers or quick prompts like “What’s one thing that immediately makes your day better at work?”—the effect multiplies. After all, emotions are contagious.
Pro tip:
Instead of spreading five small gestures over a week, try doing them all in one day. Studies on random acts of kindness show that “bunching” actions gives you a bigger boost in happiness than doing them one by one.
Give it a try. A few small, intentional gestures can dramatically shift your team’s sense of civility, respect, and connection. And the ripple effects? They’ll surprise you.
Sources: SHRM, UC Berkeley's Greater Good Science Center
PS - If hustle culture, overwhelm or burn out has your team beyond "crispy," reach out and let us support you and your team in a sustainable restorative reset.
